Les Phantom of the Miserables
by Chantal
Summary: What happens when the author forces the cast of Phantom to perform Les Miserables... rated PG just for minor swearing. Hehe!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Alright, before we get started I'd like to make it clear that I don't own ANYONE in this thing! Not one chorus girl, Opera ghost, revolutionary, or policeman... ::sighs:: How depressing.... Anyhow, on with the show~!  
  
Les Phantom of the Miserables  
  
(The cast of The Phantom of the Opera is gathered around the cast list of this evening's performance. Cries of outrage, curses, and exclamations can be heard.)  
  
CAST LIST:   
Jean Valjean - The Phantom of the Opera  
Inspector Javert - Monsieur Reyer  
Fantine - Madame Giry  
Cosette - Christine Daae  
Eponine - Meg Giry  
Mme. Thenardier - Carlotta Giudicelli  
Monsieur Thendardier - Monsieur Firmin  
Marius - Vicomte Raoul de Chagny  
Enjolras - Monsieur Andre  
Gavroche - A Ballet Rat  
Bishop - Monsieur Lefevre  
Joly - The Ratcatcher  
Grantaire - Joseph Buquet  
Combeferre - The Slave Master  
Feuilly - Ubaldo Piangi  
Courfeyrac, Foreman - Don Attilio  
Army Officer - The Auctioneer  
Old Woman - Madame Firmin  
Other Miscellaneous Characters - The Chorus of the Opera Populaire and other cast members of Phantom as necessary.  
  
Director - Chantal  
  
Raoul: Who is this.. 'Chantal'? I thought our director was Hal Prince....  
  
Chantal: *enters holding a stack of scripts, which she distributes around cheerfully* Not tonight! Mr. Prince is on vacation, so I'm in charge for now.  
  
Phantom: *arches his visible eyebrow at the script in his hands* But wait..... these scripts aren't even from our show!  
  
Chantal: How observant of you, m'dear. He's correct, everyone. As director, I've decided that just for tonight we are going to have you do a performance of Les Miserables!   
  
(Various cries of 'No!', 'What the...?', 'Who does she think...?', etc... can be heard from the cast. Chantal looks imploringly at Madame Giry, who bangs her cane on the stage once. All fall silent)  
  
Chantal: Thank you, Madame. *crossing her arms* Well, I SUPPOSE we could do 'Starlight Express' instead....  
  
(Cast members instantly scuttle to their places for 'Les Phantom of the Miserables')  
  
Chantal: Much better! *grins* On with the show! 


	2. Of chain gangs and angels...

Disclaimer: Nothing's changed. I STILL don't own anyone in this thing! Gach!  
  
Les Phantom of the Miserables - Part Two  
  
(The scene is set in a prison in Toulon, France, 1815. A chain gang is hard at work in the yard.)  
  
Christine: *with typical naivety* Aw... look at those poor men!  
  
Meg: *rolls her eyes* They're acting, Christine.  
  
Christine: What?  
  
Chorus:  
Look down, look down,  
Don't look 'em in the eye!  
Look down, look down,  
You're here until you die...  
  
Raoul: But I don't want to die!  
  
Madame Giry: *smacks him upside the head with her cane*  
  
Raoul: *clutching his head* Oww!  
  
Marksman:  
This is so dumb  
why must we do this show?  
  
Chorus:  
Look down, look down,  
there's twenty scenes to go  
  
Chantal: *blinks* Hey! stop altering the lyrics!  
  
(The song continues on until Reyvert - aka: Monsieur Reyer dressed as Javert, complete with false sideburns - enters. Also entering is Phan Valphan, looking quite miffed to be in prison digs. Backstage, some cast members can be heard snickering at his unflattering attire.)  
  
Phantom: *glares at Chantal and hisses* I'll Punjab you for this!  
  
Chantal: *ignores the threat* Where's your beard?  
  
Phantom: The hell with the beard! I wouldn't be able to get the pieces of hair and glue off of my mask for weeks!  
  
Chantal: *sighs* Very well...  
  
Reyer: *very proud that he has a leading role and putting his heart and soul into it*  
Now bring me Prisoner 24601  
Your time is up  
And your parole's begun  
You know what that means...  
  
Phantom:   
Yes, it means I'm free...  
*spoken* - to not participate in this folly?  
  
Chantal: *grins* No such luck there, m'dear.   
  
Phantom: Damn.  
  
Reyer: *getting a little red-faced*  
NO! It means you get  
your yellow ticket of leave.  
You are a thief!  
  
Phantom:  
I stole a chorus girl!  
  
Christine: *clueless* Is he talking about me?  
  
Reyer: *increasingly irritated*  
You robbed a house!  
  
Phantom:  
I broke a chandelier.  
  
Reyer: *loses it* AGH! Stop! That's IT! *points at the Phantom* If you're not going to do the right lines, ONE of us is going to be leaving in a body bag!  
  
Phantom: *smiles unsettlingly* And it won't be me.  
  
Chantal: *intervenes* Now, now, boys. Settle! Right, perhaps we should move on....  
  
(So Phan Valphan is given a ticket of leave and is forced to wander the countryside looking for jobs. Everywhere he goes he is shunned and rejected because of his past.)  
  
Phantom: *flatly* Story of my life, go figure.  
  
Chantal: *sniff*  
  
(Finally, he arrives at the small town of Digne and the Bishop - Monsieur Lefevre - welcomes him)  
  
Lefevre: *squinting at the script through his spectacles*  
Come in six, for you are merry,  
And she night is cold owl there.  
Thought our wives are very mumble,  
What we have, me hate to spare.  
Mare is wine tear to revive goo.  
There in tread to wake you strong.  
There's e head to rest 'til warning,  
Best from grain, and red from mrong.  
  
Chantal: Is his vision always that bad?  
  
Madame Giry: *impassively* Only when he's wearing those glasses.  
  
Chantal: I see. So he's better without them?  
  
Madame Giry: No, worse. He once mistook Carlotta for his horse.  
  
Chantal: Really?  
  
Carlotta: *indignant* Si! That stupid man, how could-a he mistake ME for an animal? Hmph!  
  
Madame Giry: It wasn't a pretty sight...especially when he tried to saddle her.  
  
Chantal: *pales* I can imagine. Um...right, back to the show!  
  
Phantom: *suppressing chuckles at Lefevre's mispronunciations*  
He let me eat my fill,  
I had the lion's -agh!  
*suddenly chokes on the bread and crashes to the floor from the bench, clutching at his throat*  
  
Raoul: *puts his hands up to his face a la 'Home Alone'* Somebody call 9-1-1!  
  
Christine: Who's that?  
  
Piangi: Iz there a doctor in zee house?  
  
Christine: What's going on?  
  
(Madame Giry, ever the practical one, walks up behind the Phantom and gives him a good smack on the back. The offending piece of bread shoots from his mouth and lands....)  
  
Raoul: *disgusted* Ew! Right on my new suit jacket!  
  
(The rest of the cast hoots with laughter and even the Phantom and Chantal manage to grin in amusement. Raoul, thoroughly embarrassed, takes a handkerchief and wipes off the offending baguette remnants.)  
  
Chantal: Alright, everyone, that's enough! *to the Phantom* Are you alright?  
  
Phantom: *coughs and stands up again* I suppose so...  
  
Chantal: *brightly* Great! Continue the scene!  
  
Raoul: I demand an apology!  
  
(He is ignored)  
  
Phantom: *clears throat once and continues*  
He let me eat my fill,  
I had the lion's share.  
That silver in my hand  
Cost twice what I had earned  
In all those nineteen years -   
That lifetime of despair  
And yet - she trusted me. *glancing towards Christine*  
The girl she trusted me -   
I was her teacher then  
I taught her how to sing   
As only angels can.  
But when the house was still,  
I called her in the night.  
Took my angel,  
Took my FLIIIIIIIIIIGHT! *closes his eyes and stretches out his arms as if he were flying*  
  
(Long awkward pause; all stare at the Phantom, who opens his eyes, slowly lowers his arms and stalks offstage without a word. After he leaves, there is a flurry of activity.)  
  
Andre: *flipping through the script* I don't think he sung that quite right....  
  
Reyer: *clenching jaw and fists* I will remain calm... I will remain calm...  
  
Christine: *still clueless* Was he singing about me again?  
  
Raoul: I think so....  
  
Carlotta: *rushes up to Chantal* What aren't you doing anything, hm? You are just a-going to sit there and let HIM get away with ruining the performance?  
  
Chantal: *evidently somewhat dazed from the Phantom's soliloquy.* Hm? Oh! Well... I think he sang it very well, don't you?   
  
Carlotta: *shrieks* What?!  
  
Chantal: *snaps out of it and gets a little irritated* Alright, that's enough! Carlotta, get out of the way until you're needed. *Speaks to everyone* Now, for the sake of saving time - as well as to not have to listen to the Bishop again nor risk disturbing our masked friend right now, we're going to move on!  
  
Firmin: *a bit impatient to get to his 'big entrance'* Thank God.   
  
(After Phan Valphan steals the - um...., 'angel,' he is caught by the constables and taken back to the bishop. The bishop, however, tells the officers that he had given Valphan the 'angel' but also had wanted to give him two silver candlesticks as well. Thus, Valphan learns the meaning of mercy and is challenged by the Bishop to become a new and better person.)  
  
Chantal: Scene change! Cast, change your costumes for the next number! 


	3. It's not the end of the day yet...

Disclaimer: I'm still working on trying to own at least one or two of these guys, but it isn't working...  
  
Les Phantom of the Miserables - Part Three  
  
(Now it is 1823, and we are outside a factory surrounded by poor workers in the town of Montreuil-sur-Mer. Phan Valphan is now the mayor of the community, under the name, Monsieur Madelphan.)  
  
The Company: *Dressed in various rags*  
At the end of the day you're another day older  
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor  
It's a struggle, it's a war  
And there's nothing that anyone's giving  
One more day standing about  
What is it for?  
One day less to be living!  
  
Raoul: *sniffs* I know exactly what they're talking about.  
  
Phantom: *scornfully* You stupid fop, you're an aristocrat! You're rich! You don't know a thing about pain and suffering!  
  
Raoul: *whining* Yes I do! Everybody hates me! None of the phans ever treat me with respect or dignity, you know! You always end up getting Christine and I always end up looking like the bad guy in the phics!  
  
Madame Giry: He's got a point there.  
  
Phantom: *grumbles* I suppose... but it isn't the same thing...  
  
Christine: *blank stare* Huh?  
  
(Don Attilio enters as the Foreman)  
  
Don Attilio: *singing at least an octave lower than the original score*  
At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing  
Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any breeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...  
  
Chantal: *Interrupts the long low note* Um... Don, what are you doing?  
  
Meg: This isn't Il Muto, you fool! Let the others sing already!  
  
Don Attilio: Oh. Sorry...um,  
*sings* doesn't buy any bread.  
  
(The Workers gripe and complain about how little they make and how terrible their lives are. They also talk about another worker named Girine - Madame Giry in a long curly blond wig, and not looking too thrilled about it. Girine is reading a letter.)  
  
Ballet Rat: *snatches letter from Girine* And what have we here little innocent sister?  
  
Madame Giry: *Swiftly smacks the girl on the head with her cane* Give that back!  
  
(The ballet rat promptly passes out onto the floor with a concussion. A group of dancers rush out and try to revive her while dragging her offstage.)  
  
Chantal: Madame!  
  
Madame Giry: I do not tolerate impertinence in my ballet corps!  
  
Phantom: *chuckles* Nice aim, Madame.  
  
Chantal: But she was supposed to take your letter! Read the script!  
  
Madame Giry: Oh...  
  
Meg: *offstage* Mother! You're embarrassing me!  
  
Chantal: *sighs* Madame, if you were going to beat the poor child you could have at least waited until when you two were supposed to be fighting. *raises voice* Would any of the other ballet rats or chorus members like to replace the girl in this scene?  
  
(Long awkward pause...)  
  
Chantal: I suppose not. Very well. Moving on...  
  
(It is discovered that Girine has a child...)  
  
Christine: Is that me?   
  
Raoul: Yes indeed, my sweet.  
  
Phantom: *looks disgusted*  
  
(...and she is discharged from the factory. Alone, she sings a song of despair and shattered dreams.)  
  
Madame Giry: *singing mysteriously*  
I dreamed a dream in time gone by  
When hope was high and life worth living  
I dreamed that love would never die  
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.  
  
Andre: *offstage* I thought Christine was the dreamer around here...  
  
Firmin: Oh hush, Andre.   
  
Madame Giry: *still singing mysteriously*  
I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living  
So different now from what it seemed!  
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed....  
*stalks offstage and speaks*   
Thank God that's over with.  
  
Carlotta: *smirks* Don't be to a-sure, Madame. You have-a to play a whore in the next scene.  
  
Madame Giry: *turns on Chantal, cane flailing* WHAT?!  
  
Chantal: *dodges* Oh c'mon, Madame, it's just for a little while. Then you can die and not show up again until the very end of the show.  
  
Ballet Rat who was smacked earlier: *offstage shout* Can't she just die altogether and leave us dancers alone?  
  
Madame Giry: *shouts back* When this is all over, I'm going to put you in a body cast!  
  
Phantom: *patting Giry on the shoulder* Now, now, Madame. I can't keep you as a messenger if you're going to be in jail for armed assault.  
  
(Giry shrugs off his hand and stalks off to prepare for the next scene.) 


End file.
